I am in a bad spiral at the moment and I need to break out of it. This should he as simple as getting up and walking out the door. For three hours I have been telling myself that and still I am here.
I know intellectually what I need to do, really everything I need to be doing, but it does not happen.
This pattern has to end because it is grinding me down. I am amazed at what I have managed to endure, but I can see the edges are all very frayed. I am only one small disaster away from the end.
Mood
Happy - 2
Energy - 3
Stress - 9
Showing posts with label Depression 2015. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression 2015. Show all posts
Friday, January 16, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Depression Day 15 - A Break from Writing
I missed writing for a bunch of days, I want to write everyday but I also do not want it to be a chore.
So why did I not write? It is because I am having real trouble focusing on getting work done, to getting anything actually. Everything is a chore. I get stuck doing nothing or wasting time online pointlessly.
It feels better to be writing at all and this means I could get some work done. This drives me nuts because I have to stop working shortly to take Max skating.
I will break for the moment and might come back today
Mood
Happy - 3
Energy - 3 but rising
Stress - 6-9 depending on the moment
So why did I not write? It is because I am having real trouble focusing on getting work done, to getting anything actually. Everything is a chore. I get stuck doing nothing or wasting time online pointlessly.
It feels better to be writing at all and this means I could get some work done. This drives me nuts because I have to stop working shortly to take Max skating.
I will break for the moment and might come back today
Mood
Happy - 3
Energy - 3 but rising
Stress - 6-9 depending on the moment
Friday, January 09, 2015
Depression Day 9 - I need to change my thinking
I need to deal with how I am thinking, I am letting my mind take me down and interfere with my life.
What I need to do is change how I think, I need to fight against the easy path to following the negativity.
Can just changing my thinking be the answer to the depression? I do not but it least it is a hopeful approach for me. What I am going to try and do over the next few weeks is seek out some of the motivational writers out there. I am not sure where I am going to start, but I will let you know tomorrow.
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 5
Stress - 6
What I need to do is change how I think, I need to fight against the easy path to following the negativity.
Can just changing my thinking be the answer to the depression? I do not but it least it is a hopeful approach for me. What I am going to try and do over the next few weeks is seek out some of the motivational writers out there. I am not sure where I am going to start, but I will let you know tomorrow.
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 5
Stress - 6
Thursday, January 08, 2015
Depression Day 8 - Stress
This depression is causing me no end of stress in my life. It is hard to get things done with depression and that then causes me to feel stressed which then deepens the depression. Repeat ad naseum.
I feel like if I could reduce the stress in my life I could tackle the depression better. On the other hand if the stress is gone the depression might lighten enough that I will not end up taking the action I need to make myself happy again.
I feel like I am in a Catch-22, the depression causes stress and the stress inflames the depression. Ultimately I have to figure out how to fix both at the same time.
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 4
Stressed - 6
I feel like if I could reduce the stress in my life I could tackle the depression better. On the other hand if the stress is gone the depression might lighten enough that I will not end up taking the action I need to make myself happy again.
I feel like I am in a Catch-22, the depression causes stress and the stress inflames the depression. Ultimately I have to figure out how to fix both at the same time.
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 4
Stressed - 6
Monday, January 05, 2015
Depression Day 5 - Headaches and Isomnia
Headaches and insomnia - is this part of the depression or does the depression cause them? Either way I have too much of either.
On about one night in four I have real trouble falling asleep. I have very little caffeine in my life and never have it after 6 pm, but I seem to be having more frequent nights were I simply can not fall asleep. My mind is not worrying as such, all manner of thoughts are going through it but nothing worse than during the day. I stress about it because I know my energy will be way down the next day.
I can tell the difference between getting 8 hours of sleep and 7, there is a clear drop in my intellectual skills. At six hours I make more and more mistakes and can not easily see the answers to problems. At 4 to 5 hours I can not get any useful intellectual work done, I can pretend but the work I do will not be worth much as I will effectively have to redo all the work.
I am operating on an average of about 6 hours a night at the moment - not enough to do what I need to do. It means I only have one usefully productive day in three. It is rare to get two good days in a row.
The insomnia saps my energy which means I do not get out and active in the way I need, really in the way I want to.
Headaches seem to be normal for my day to day to life at the moment. It takes very little for one to start. I am almost completely off of alcohol because I can be almost certain to have a headache a few hours later. I have had massive stress in my life for many years so I do not think these are stress headaches but much of the time that is what it feels like.
I take ibuprofen gel caps to deal with the headaches and this seems to make the headaches go away, but not as much as I would like it to. I want to be able to forget about headaches and not have a dull pain ready to come out when ever I really do not need it.
It is as if you mind is using my body to attack me and stop me from dealing with the depression. As if there are demons within me that are looking for ways to screw up my life. It makes it easier for me to get a grasp on the depression if I can give it a name or some sort of substance, something that is not really me.
I have no desire to have insomnia and headaches being part of what is normally Bernard. I have an idea of who I am and depression along with its malevolent offspring are not part of that.
Mood
Happy - 3
Energy - 2
Stress - 8
On about one night in four I have real trouble falling asleep. I have very little caffeine in my life and never have it after 6 pm, but I seem to be having more frequent nights were I simply can not fall asleep. My mind is not worrying as such, all manner of thoughts are going through it but nothing worse than during the day. I stress about it because I know my energy will be way down the next day.
I can tell the difference between getting 8 hours of sleep and 7, there is a clear drop in my intellectual skills. At six hours I make more and more mistakes and can not easily see the answers to problems. At 4 to 5 hours I can not get any useful intellectual work done, I can pretend but the work I do will not be worth much as I will effectively have to redo all the work.
I am operating on an average of about 6 hours a night at the moment - not enough to do what I need to do. It means I only have one usefully productive day in three. It is rare to get two good days in a row.
The insomnia saps my energy which means I do not get out and active in the way I need, really in the way I want to.
Headaches seem to be normal for my day to day to life at the moment. It takes very little for one to start. I am almost completely off of alcohol because I can be almost certain to have a headache a few hours later. I have had massive stress in my life for many years so I do not think these are stress headaches but much of the time that is what it feels like.
I take ibuprofen gel caps to deal with the headaches and this seems to make the headaches go away, but not as much as I would like it to. I want to be able to forget about headaches and not have a dull pain ready to come out when ever I really do not need it.
It is as if you mind is using my body to attack me and stop me from dealing with the depression. As if there are demons within me that are looking for ways to screw up my life. It makes it easier for me to get a grasp on the depression if I can give it a name or some sort of substance, something that is not really me.
I have no desire to have insomnia and headaches being part of what is normally Bernard. I have an idea of who I am and depression along with its malevolent offspring are not part of that.
Mood
Happy - 3
Energy - 2
Stress - 8
Sunday, January 04, 2015
Depression Day 4 - I really hate rain
Being from the west coast you would think I could tolerate rain but I hate it with a passion. The 7 degrees and rain that is happening outside of my home is about the most miserable weather I can think of. I raise this because the rain does little or nothing to improve my mood. I have no desire to go outside.
The greyness of the west coast winter is not something that lightens my mood. When it is damp and grey I have struggle a lot more to get anything done. Just looking outside makes me feel cold and uncomfortable. Here in Victoria it is sunny less than 1/3 of the time for the whole winter which is better than Vancouver where is less than a 1/4 of the time. In Calgary it is sunny on average for half the day in the winter.
Overall people say the west coast is great even in the winter because there is no snow. I would love to trade the seven months of damp grey for -40 and snow.
When I look back at my life, I was happier a lot more of the time when I lived in Lillooet. It is rare to have rain in Lillooet and the skies are clear the vast majority of the time.
Here in Victoria it feels like it takes my months to shake of the damp grey of the winter, by the time I do it tends to high summer with only a month or two before the return of the rains.
Would I be happier or manage my depression better if I lived in southern California, Hawaii or even Turkey? I do not know, but I can feel a sense of desire to live somewhere dry.
I know I do need to figure out how to become a generally happy person even when it rains, and rains and rains and rainds
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 4
Stress - 7
The greyness of the west coast winter is not something that lightens my mood. When it is damp and grey I have struggle a lot more to get anything done. Just looking outside makes me feel cold and uncomfortable. Here in Victoria it is sunny less than 1/3 of the time for the whole winter which is better than Vancouver where is less than a 1/4 of the time. In Calgary it is sunny on average for half the day in the winter.
Overall people say the west coast is great even in the winter because there is no snow. I would love to trade the seven months of damp grey for -40 and snow.
When I look back at my life, I was happier a lot more of the time when I lived in Lillooet. It is rare to have rain in Lillooet and the skies are clear the vast majority of the time.
Here in Victoria it feels like it takes my months to shake of the damp grey of the winter, by the time I do it tends to high summer with only a month or two before the return of the rains.
Would I be happier or manage my depression better if I lived in southern California, Hawaii or even Turkey? I do not know, but I can feel a sense of desire to live somewhere dry.
I know I do need to figure out how to become a generally happy person even when it rains, and rains and rains and rainds
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 4
Stress - 7
Saturday, January 03, 2015
Depression Day 3 - Out of the Blue by Jan Wong
Jan Wong's book Out of the Blue: a memoir of workplace depression, recovery, redemption and yes, happiness was a serious starting point within me to understanding my depression.
I listened to her talk about it on CBC in the late spring of 2012. I gained some clarity on my situation but I also got a lot more scared, I could see what had been happening to me not for a couple of years due to insane amounts of life changing stress all at once but was something that had been part of me for a very, very long time.
I was diagnosed by my GP with depression in 2010, but I took this to be situational because my mother had died recently as had my father-in-law and both of the deaths were very involved and emotionally draining beyond that my fourth son had been born, my faithful hound Laika had died, I was in a new marriage, I was renovating a house, there was a new blended family, work was hard to keep on an even keel, and I was not living in a city I particularly like. I no end of reasons to justify why I was in a stressed mood that lead to a depression. I could confidently expect that once things were better in my life the depression would go away as well.
I do not think I really accepted my diagnosis at the time and I think the Welbutrin worked more as a placebo for me because I believed at the heart of things I was not a depressed person but then I heard Jan Wong speak on the radio. It hit me like a ton of bricks. but even then I was not ready to accept what being depressed really meant for me, it took another two years before I really started doing something about it. Even as recently as March of 2014 I was still in denial about how bad it is.
The book is one I recommend to people to read.
I would write more, but I am doing some stuff with my boys this evening and I need to prep for it.
Mood
Happy - 3
Energy - 4 - I had insomnia last night, I really did not get to sleep till around
Stress - 7, I think it will rise as the day goes on
I listened to her talk about it on CBC in the late spring of 2012. I gained some clarity on my situation but I also got a lot more scared, I could see what had been happening to me not for a couple of years due to insane amounts of life changing stress all at once but was something that had been part of me for a very, very long time.
I was diagnosed by my GP with depression in 2010, but I took this to be situational because my mother had died recently as had my father-in-law and both of the deaths were very involved and emotionally draining beyond that my fourth son had been born, my faithful hound Laika had died, I was in a new marriage, I was renovating a house, there was a new blended family, work was hard to keep on an even keel, and I was not living in a city I particularly like. I no end of reasons to justify why I was in a stressed mood that lead to a depression. I could confidently expect that once things were better in my life the depression would go away as well.
I do not think I really accepted my diagnosis at the time and I think the Welbutrin worked more as a placebo for me because I believed at the heart of things I was not a depressed person but then I heard Jan Wong speak on the radio. It hit me like a ton of bricks. but even then I was not ready to accept what being depressed really meant for me, it took another two years before I really started doing something about it. Even as recently as March of 2014 I was still in denial about how bad it is.
The book is one I recommend to people to read.
I would write more, but I am doing some stuff with my boys this evening and I need to prep for it.
Mood
Happy - 3
Energy - 4 - I had insomnia last night, I really did not get to sleep till around
Stress - 7, I think it will rise as the day goes on
Friday, January 02, 2015
Depression Day 2 - Do I look better?
I had coffee with a friend today, a good thing for me to do because it is so easy for me ot hide out in the house and only communicate with people on social media. Anyway, this person had not seen me in person for some months and he said I looked better, that I was more animated. Hmmm?
I have had a very bad last three or four weeks - Christmas is a very core important family event for me, it always has been. This year I never managed to get into the spirit until the 24th. I could not take joy in something as simple as my tree - the magic of the season to me is wrapped up in a candlelight tree. On December 31st I was felling very alone. Christmas and New Year are now over. I am just recovering enough from a deep trough of depression that I look good?
I do not feel much better, I just do not feel as bad as I had been. He had not seen me over Christmas so he would not have seen how low I had managed to get. My reaction to him telling me I looked better was slightly shocked, I do not feel much better in general. I was almost defensive at him saying it.
I am not sure what else to say today. I think I might leave it at this because it is later in the day than I had expected and I have various things to get done around the house etc.
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 5
Stress - fluctuating between 6 and 9
I have had a very bad last three or four weeks - Christmas is a very core important family event for me, it always has been. This year I never managed to get into the spirit until the 24th. I could not take joy in something as simple as my tree - the magic of the season to me is wrapped up in a candlelight tree. On December 31st I was felling very alone. Christmas and New Year are now over. I am just recovering enough from a deep trough of depression that I look good?
I do not feel much better, I just do not feel as bad as I had been. He had not seen me over Christmas so he would not have seen how low I had managed to get. My reaction to him telling me I looked better was slightly shocked, I do not feel much better in general. I was almost defensive at him saying it.
I am not sure what else to say today. I think I might leave it at this because it is later in the day than I had expected and I have various things to get done around the house etc.
Mood
Happy - 4
Energy - 5
Stress - fluctuating between 6 and 9
Thursday, January 01, 2015
Depression Day 1 - Depression is really depressing
Very rarely do I hear people talk about depression being depressing, but it is. The endlessness of it, the hopelessness of it, is all depressing. It sucks,
I have no desire to be depressed, I have no desire to have depression be a part of my identity. I want it gone but when I talk to others with depression they tell me they cope with it, they accept it, they live with it. I find that very depressing. It is a fatalism that does not make anything better.
Just be happy - I wish I could. It is depressing not being able to be happy even when you do the things that you really like.
----- Break of Several Hour ----
My youngest son Max is I thinking suffering from a lack of sleep, he has spent the last two hours throwing a temper tantrum
My mood today
Happy - 3
Energy - 3
Stress - 7
I have no desire to be depressed, I have no desire to have depression be a part of my identity. I want it gone but when I talk to others with depression they tell me they cope with it, they accept it, they live with it. I find that very depressing. It is a fatalism that does not make anything better.
Just be happy - I wish I could. It is depressing not being able to be happy even when you do the things that you really like.
----- Break of Several Hour ----
My youngest son Max is I thinking suffering from a lack of sleep, he has spent the last two hours throwing a temper tantrum
My mood today
Happy - 3
Energy - 3
Stress - 7
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
365 Days of Depression
So I went through 2014 in very deep depression for most of the year. I have struggled with how to talk about it and not be defined by it. What I am going to try in 2015 is to write about it day by day for the year.
For my own benefit I want to measure how my mood was on any given day. Was I happy or not? Was getting out of bed easy? Could I get the mundane tasks done? and more.
I have tried to be alone with my thoughts about the depression and to try and work through it in meditation or worship but it is not working well enough. I think I need to write down my thoughts and feelings about it. Putting it on this blog and giving me a target of one post per day for a year gives me something to live up to with enough constant urgency so that it will force to be more deliberate in my thinking about it, or I should say in purging my thinking of the depression. I have no idea where it will take me, I just hope it will one of the tools to defeat this depression.
Tomorrow will be the first day. For now in the various languages that matter the most for me:
For my own benefit I want to measure how my mood was on any given day. Was I happy or not? Was getting out of bed easy? Could I get the mundane tasks done? and more.
I have tried to be alone with my thoughts about the depression and to try and work through it in meditation or worship but it is not working well enough. I think I need to write down my thoughts and feelings about it. Putting it on this blog and giving me a target of one post per day for a year gives me something to live up to with enough constant urgency so that it will force to be more deliberate in my thinking about it, or I should say in purging my thinking of the depression. I have no idea where it will take me, I just hope it will one of the tools to defeat this depression.
Tomorrow will be the first day. For now in the various languages that matter the most for me:
Happy New Year - Frohes Neu Jahr - Head Uut Aastat
Gott Nytt år - Bonne Année - С Новым Годом - Kloshe Chee Cole
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)