Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Life and Death

2008 has been an emotionally intense year for me.

Sheila and I got married last year and we wanted to have a child, by the fall of 2007 we knew our child was on the way.

In January Sheila's father became ill. Over a few weeks it was determined to be non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. At the end of February he came down to Victoria to live with while he goes through chemotherapy.

On June 24th Max was born.

In August it became clear that Scott's treatment was not effective against the cancer.

This fall I have been living with my young son and watching grow and change each week but at the same time living with Scott declining through the course of the cancer.

Either one on their own is energy draining. Max's sleep has been less then stellar for the last week or two and neither Sheila or I have the energy reserves for that. With Scott we are dealing with preparations for his death. I was at a funeral home this week and we have put his house in Salmon Arm on the market.

On top of this is the normal functions of life. The world of three boys in school and such. A house that needs more work to be done. A job that needs to be done. A yard that is not where I would like it to be.

And above all else, I feel a high level guilt because I should be able to deal with this better than I am dealing with it. I should be able to get more done.

A baby takes up most of one person's attention. Scott takes up less attention, but knowing he is dieing is not easy for me. I have not been around someone fulltime while they are in their last days and it is draining me emotionally.

Thank God that Sheila and I have such a partnership of equals. It is the core of what makes it possible for me to function.

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