I have bad depression. It has been very bad for the last five months but it has been around consistently for years. How bad? I am not sure I can admit that in public.
I was in denial about it for most of my adult life, even when I got some treatment in 2009 I do not think I truly accepted it.
Denial happened because to admit it was to say I am a flawed person, that I am a failure. I was ashamed that I was weak. I also grew up in a family where we should be able to suck it up. I made bad decisions because I was trying to keep up appearances.
I have to admit I have a mental health problem. I have to admit my mind is not right. This has been the single hardest thing I have done in my life.
The first step is that I have to admit it to myself. Admitting to myself works best when I am open about it to others. I have to allow my public persona match my private one enough to be vulnerable.
Depression has been very lonely and isolating as well. This year I have been telling people and I have had many people to do not understand it but others who get it because they have been through it. It has been good to connect with friends that have been through serious depression as well.
As part of my process to try and improve my mental health I am going to try and write about my depression. I hope that by expressing in written word what has been going on I can understand what is going on with me and find ways to cope.